Happy Anniversary!

Thirteen years ago tonight my sweet husband and I were just starting our lives together as man and wife. Happy Anniversary to us!!

We just returned from a great date at a favorite restaurant, courtesy of our loving parents ($$) and the Stout family (childcare!). But as we neared home, I realized (for the upteenth time) that this season of the year never reflects the "Silent Night" of Christmas I wish for. This year, as in many before, we are serving in different capacities that are stretching us far and wide. Host and Hostess to my parents and brother who will be staying several days with us, Music Director/Assistant for the church Christmas Musical (I'm still trying to figure out my role there!) which will keep us busy for many hours this weekend, and then the normal roles of mommy/daddy, husband/wife, schoolteacher, cook, maid, personal shopper,...I'll stop now! And I hear my voice over and over "I just can't do it all..." And the Lord is quick to remind me, "No, you can't. Not by might, nor by power, but by MY Spirit!" But that requires faith, and faith is trusting God for what is humanly impossible. "The evidence of things not seen..." Hebrews says. Well the evidence of things not seen is what I am praying for this week!

Ironically, (Providentially, no doubt) my oldest daughter's bible verse to memorize for her school curriculum this week is "Come to me all you who are weary and heavy burdened and I will give you rest." Matthew. I've known the truth in that verse many times over in my life. It's the "come to me" part that sometimes gets squeezed out when we are busy...too busy to sit and wait on God. It feels like a luxury to wait upon the Lord in a busy time. Yet, I don't know that our rest comes until we humble our heart long enough to put all the demands aside and seek the Lord. A quiet heart is a humble heart. Oh, help Lord! Today I quickly read from Spurgeon's "Morning and Evening" then a Psalm and a few "thought prayeers." But quickly went on to start accomplishing things. And I've been running all day. I missed my "waiting" time so much, but felt I couldn't stop long enough to have it. Perhaps others can exist like that, but I don't want to. Help me Lord-- not to lose sight of You this week...to have "No other gods" before you. To be utterly dependent. My earnest prayer. Thank you for 13 years with my sweet husband!

I look like George Washington!

Hoping to catch a few eyes with my entry title today! I see there aren't any comments on my last one...maybe too lengthy? Or perhaps people are dropping off as my frequency is becoming, shall we say "slackish?"

Well, the reason for the title is that yesterday, my oldest, Keaton, was sketching silhouettes as part of her art lesson and study of France for school (apparently silhouette art was big in France). So she tried Kara first...who could not hold still long enough. Then me, who had no problem holding still, but had I known how my profile would come out.....I NEVER would have sat there! Anyway, when I saw what my daughter had "traced" from the silhouette of my profile, I could only screech out "George Washington! I look like George Washington!" My husband and I collapsed in laughter when he arrived home from work last night as I unveiled my "profile."

Right away I saw the application....our children (as well as others) do not see us as we see ourselves. This is why seeking counsel and input from others can be so helpful...and revealing. If my daughter sees me so differently from how I see myself...there is something there I need to investigate. Now yesterday was not a true interpretation of how she "sees" me, but what would she say about me if given the chance? It made me stop and think about my heart as I looked at the profile my daughter had drawn. How does she see me? Am I living before her the way I think I am? Or does she see something vastly different than I want her to? Oh, may God give me the grace to live truly before my children. That my love for God would permeate all I say and do. And that when I fail to mirror Christ to them, I will be quick to repent and seek forgiveness, both from them, and from the Lord. By His grace, may the profile they draw of me look more and more like Jesus everyday.

Until He Became Strong

Back from a looooong Thanksgiving Break! Actually, my parents are here with us, but I am trying to resume a sense of normalcy...whatever that is! Homeschooling is always a bit challenging with visiting family in the house, but we are somehow churning out lessons anyway...by the grace of God, no doubt! There has been an increased need (or perhaps an increased awareness in Keith and me) for disciplining our children the last few weeks. It has been difficult. But we are seeing fruit. Yesterday, one of my girls told us at the dinner table that she was thankful for the disciplining because she was seeing her own heart change as a result. That was a much quicker response than I'd expected! But as I've been in the midst of counseling my girls through their discipline, I've been struck by the human heart's pride and rebellion. We want so much to be strong. Yet God will oppose us in our proud strength. These are words I go over again and again with my little ones. "God opposes (is against) those who are proud, but gives grace to the humble.....Do you want God to be against you or giving grace to you?" They usually answer, "um...give grace to me?"

So I was reading in II Chronicles today and read these words, which nearly jumped off the page..." And his fame spread far, for he was marvelously helped, till he was strong. But when he grew strong, he grew proud, to his destruction. He was unfaithful to the Lord his God...." Chapter 26:15b-16a These words describe King Uzziah, who began his rule of Judah at age 16. He followed the Lord until he chose to enter the temple to burn incense, which was only for the priests. God immediately struck him with leprosy, and he remained a leper until he died. Pride leads to destruction. But God gives us grace if we humble ourselves. How anti-cultural this is in America. So many books on self-promotion, starting with children's books. Authors even try to convince us by "Christianizing" their methods. But Jesus does not model this. He took the form of a servant, and humbled himself even to death. And God exalted Him. It is when we are weak that we are strong. How this looks for me is that I often must cease striving for perfection...which I can't attain anyhow. I must humble myself, and agree with God that I am dust, in need of His great Hand of power. If I begin to excel at something, I think, "that was pretty good, now if I can just keep doing that...everyday....until I die....UGH!" The weight of that pressure to keep up until my last breath is overwhelming. But when I lower my head and reach up to God, sometimes literally crying..."Help, Lord...I am incapable of completing this task alone" I have found God strengthens and sustains me for the task. This is especially important for me to grab ahold of right now, during this busy holiday season. There will be things I need to lay aside that I think are necessary. God will show me as I go. I want God's help, not my own mortal strength! I pray I will not let pride lead to my downfall, but that I would keep a posture of humility before the Lord, that I might find grace to remain faithful to Him.

"Having" can Hinder

The Lord is so gracious to plant seeds, water, fertilize, and grow His truth into fruit in us! Yesterday's message at Crossway (by Warren Boettcher) was on tithing and giving. If only I could speak of all God has been doing in my heart in this area over the last ___years! Hearing Warren speak of his own hard-pressed financial state at times in his life was so helpful. Knowing that He was still tithing during hard times and yet God did not supernaturally make everything easy breezy because of Warren's faithfulness was especially helpful. With the health, wealth, and prosperity "gospel" so prevalent in our world today, it is refreshing to hear truth that sometimes we are faithful and yet God does not unleash heaps of financial blessing on us.

But that is not the crux of what God has been speaking to my heart. Here are some words from my Oct. 9th journal entry "...Help us to see money through Your eyes, Lord. It is meant to be a tool used to serve. But is also can quickly become an idol. 'If we just had a little more money...' I confess this lack of trust in You, the maker and provider of our income. Will you provide a measure of faith in me? If more discipline is needed, would you move me into that? Stir our hearts to act according to Your will. Instead of seeing dollar signs attached to everything, let me see an opportunity for You to do the humanly impossible."

Then again on Oct. 26th..."Perhaps what You want me to see is that I have a stingy heart towards You, Lord. There is concern in my heart that I have witheld from you. My faith is weak in this area, Lord. Please help me to trust You. I say I am ready to give my life away for you, yet my wallet is hesitant. 'What if I need this money later?' 'We're barely scraping by as it is. God understands. If he expected me to give more, He'd provide more.' These are the thoughts in my heart. I am not making much of You in my finances . Help my unbelief! I have sinful motives of self-preservation. I secretly question God's care for us."

The wonderful thing that was happening in the midst of that "heart monitoring" was that Keith and I did sit down and take a good look at our tithing/giving over the last year. We saw where we'd been deficient. We repented, and implemented a strategy to get back on track with our tithe. So when Warren spoke yesterday, I felt like God was solidifying all He'd been doing in my heart over the last 6 weeks. And it encouraged my heart.

I want to tell of the mercies of God before I end today. I hope it will encourage many. (Even if that's only the five people who read this!) In 2004, we left pastoral ministry. Won't go into the why's of that. But suffice it to say, we had 60 days for my husband to find a new job. If I remember correctly, that year we had a gross income of $18,ooo. This was for a family of five. That is considered poverty level here in America. Now here's the grace of God. In that year we were able to (without incurring ANY debt) 1) Go to Hawaii for our 10th anniversary 2) Purchase our minivan outright 3) Keep up our house payments 4) Pay all our normal bills. Not only that, but amazing gifts of God's people came always at strategic times. Whether our parents, family or friends, We had more than enough for our needs. One person seemed to send a money order for the same amount every month. I'll always wonder who that was! In fact, in just the week of Christmas we had 1) a full holiday meal, complete with frozen turkey, delivered to us. 2) Our furnace serviced for free and the man who serviced it (also a friend) gave us $400 for Christmas! 3) "Secret Santas" brought gifts to the house for our children on Christmas Eve, and while they opened them, two more large gift bags were left on our back porch for Keith and me! That night, after the girls were in bed, we stood in our living room recounting all God had done and began literally laughing at the kindness and overflowing generosity of God to us! I will never forget that Christmas. In some ways we felt richer than we'd ever been. We were not striving. God was being Himself....lifting up those who were weak!

You would think that after that year I would never struggle again with trusting God to meet our needs. But I do. I forget. I need fresh grace. You see, having so little, we cast ourselves upon the Lord and cried out to Him to provide for us. But as the years start going by and we are again able (by God's grace) to make a "decent" income, we start leaning on our "own" resources. We think, "OK, God was kind to us, Whew! Now we need to pull ourselves back up by our bootstraps." UGH! Oh that I would cast myself on God, no matter what our income, and look to Him for all provision. Be encouraged friends! He is SO ABLE!! Never doubt Him.

"Bring the whole tithe into the storehouse, that there may be food in my house. Test me in this," says the Lord Almighty. "And see if I will not throw open the floodgates of heaven and pour out so much blessing that you will not have room enough for it." Mal. 3:10

On Calling and Weariness

A big "Thank you!" to my friend Sara, who called to encourage me a few days ago. She hinted at using the "s" word...Slacker!....in reference to my blog....but was kindly encouraging me to get back to it. To my friends and family who do read, I am sorry it's been well over two weeks of nothing! I have lots of reasons why, but I'll spare you. Suffice it to say, the Lord has laid it on my heart to return today.

God has been teaching me so much lately, that I find difficulty trying to condense it or select things to write here. For one thing, I've been reading A Burning and a Shining Light: English Spirituality in the age of Wesley (edited by David Lyle Jeffrey). This is such a rich book. I read it in college for one of my many English Lit. classes, but reading it now, 12 or so years later, I am amazed at how God has lovingly changed my heart. Watts, Newton, Wilberforce, Fletcher, Doddridge, Smart...these men were passionate for God. It's so interesting to re-read their works in light of my own growth and deeper understanding of God's word and His Spirit's work in my life. I highly recommend it! Interestingly enough. It hasn't just been this book that God has led me back to, but it is almost as though He has planned a course in the "English Revivalist Age." We recently rented the movie "The Mission" (won best cinematography for 1987) which is set in Brazil, during the Spanish occupation. Now this fits within the time period of the "course" but it is not about English spirituality. It is about (Spanish) Jesuit priests who fight against the enslavement of native Brazil tribes. It is also about the division of church and state, and the underhanded way the church is persecuted by the government of men. These priests were putting their faith into action, at the cost of losing their own lives. My heart was pricked. I was already well into my book when I noticed that Handel's Messiah was being performed at Calvary Church...so I decided to take the girls! Keith was away in Florida and I figured it was a good way to spend some "girl time" together. Being reminded of Handel's rich legacy...his own meditation of Scripture, set in the time of the English men I'd been studying, was yet another piece in the puzzle. Then, to top it off, we received Amazing Grace, the movie, in the mail Tuesday, which we've been eagerly waiting to see. This was extremely helpful...to see the faith of men like Newton and Wilberforce in action...the account portrays Wilberforce very much true to what the short biography in my book reports of him. I was challenged by Wilberforce's decision to "do both"....that is, to tell of the glories of God while engaging his ability to act in social reform. According to his biography, W. remained thorougly true to the Savior during his time of high visibility in England...leaving a legacy of godly fathering to his children, which was a strong sign of his leadership within his home.

Now, I'm probably never going to do much in the area of social reform in my lifetime. But the point I've taken away from all of this is that no matter what God calls us to...whether highly public or mainly private...He will supply the grace we need to walk worthy of the gospel. What does that mean for me? For you? God will show you. For me, I know training up my children in the fear of the Lord is a calling. He will supply grace for it. Helping my husband to write songs for the church...as well as the typical wifely duties...are my calling right now. Also, continuing to use my mind and heart to study His word and keep a record of His teaching and work in my life is a calling. So if you are my friend, ask me about these things...ask me if I'm walking in faith toward what God has for me to do. In Malachi, God speaks these words to his people through his prophet, "But you say 'What weariness this is,' and you snort at it, says the the Lord of hosts. You bring what has been taken by violence or is lame or sick, and this you bring as your offering! Shall I accept this from your hand? says the Lord...For I am a great king, says the Lord of hosts, and my name will be feared among the nations." Mal. 1:13b-14

I have had this lackadaisical attitude. I have muttered "what a weariness this is." I have neglected my offering at times because I grow weary of the routine God gives me. But He is a great king, and my muttering shows the lack of honor I have for Him. I have repented of this, asking God to help my unbelief when "the going gets tough." I have said that my life is like a hamster wheel, from which I can never get off. This is hopeless and full of unbelief. God is giving me opportunity day after day, to serve Him in a calling. I want to be faithful. I want to be faith-filled. I want to not say "what a weariness this is" any more. Pray for me!

Chosen Portion

"The Lord is my chosen portion and my cup; You hold my lot." (Psalm 16:5) These words both challenge and secure me. The Lord is my chosen portion...this reminds me of Mary (sister of Martha) of whom Jesus said, "Mary has chosen the good portion, which will not be taken away from her." A "chosen" portion because it is choice, or prime, highly desirable...above all else (Luke 10:41). I want to run daily towards my Savior, my "chosen portion." And my cup... "Cup" brings on a whole new element. We might look at Matt. 23:25 where Jesus is rebuking the Pharisees to "clean the inside of the cup..that the outside may also be clean." This was an analogy for their hearts, their lives. Yet the truth Jesus was communicating was that we, sinful man, can never clean our own cup, we need a Savior. Or a few chapters later Jesus prays "My Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me; nevertheless, not as I will, but as you will." (Matt. 26:39) A cup of suffering, of sacrifice for sin. When Jesus looked into His "cup" he saw the terrible depth of our sin and the separation from God it would require Him to endure. Yet this is not what we see in our cup. Yes, we have "participation in the blood of Christ" in this "cup of blessing" I Cor. 10:15, but it is not a cup of separation from God, but one that brings us to God! "You anoint my head with oil, my cup overflows!" Psalm 23. Our "cups" are our lives; washed, intermingled and overflowing by and with our Savior!

"You hold my lot." What security in these words! God holds our past, our present, and our future. We refer to "our lot in life" usually insinuating something negative. But knowing that Jesus holds this for us should transform our attitudes. Nothing can reach us without His sovereign permission. And it will turn out for good in our lives, bringing us closer to Christ and uniting us with him. Whether in joy or in sorrow. This is so encouraging! In fact, if we read the next verse in Psalm 16, we see "The lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; indeed I have a beautiful inheritance." I love these words. How many of us can actually say as we look back on trials and dark times in our lives that God hasn't used it to strengthen us and our closeness to Him? None, I hope. And perhaps if we're there in the dark place right now, we aren't feeling the truth of these words...the "pleasant places." But God will recycle the pain. He promises. And God always fulfills His promises. Be encouraged today as I am! God is at work. As we "choose" Him moment-by-moment to be our portion and cup, we can trust that He is holding our lot for us. And it will end in good, if we belong to him.

"I can't remember a trial or a pain, God did not recycle to bring me gain... All I have needed, His hand will provide, He's always been faithful to me."

One Affects Many

This is more on the light side today, friends. Or maybe not? You see today, my 6 year old Kara may just have been stubborn one too many times! We were at the doctor's office getting a re-check on her hearing. You remember those wonderful hearing tests don't you? Over-size headphones, a person behind you turning knobs and pushing buttons...all the while you're supposed to be raising your hand as soon as you hear a beep...Yep that's the kind! Well, Kara didn't perform so well at her check-up 8 weeks ago, so this was a second try. And I could tell from the length of the test as well as the look on the nurse's face that it wasn't going well. There were beeps even I could hear-- sitting a few feet away from little head-phoned Kara, and still she did not respond. Now, she did raise her hand 8 or 10 times. But I know that was not nearly how many beeps there were! So in the end, the doctor is referring us to an audiologist. I talked with Kara about the hearing test, trying to determine if she was truly not hearing the beeps, or if she just didn't want to respond. She seemed to admit that there were more beeps than she responded to. "So why didn't you just raise your hand each time?" I asked. "Well, I heard other things too, like the cars outside, the lady's shoe on the floor..." So a six-year old has figured out the idea of semantics...like "raise your hand if and only if, you hear a beep and no other sound!" (Doesn't sound to me like she has any hearing issues if she heard those things with the padded headphones on.) UGH!!! So whether Kara was being stubborn or not, we are all going to have to make a trip to the audiologist to find out how her hearing really is. Thank goodness for the kids' insurance.

I don't think we all realize the implications of our own sin. Perhaps Kara really has a hearing deficiency. But maybe not too. Her potential stubborn will could be costing alot of people time and money...unnecessarily spent. Our sin affects others. Our families, our churches, and ultimately, our own souls. How many times has our own indulgence (time, money, food, fun) cost our loved ones some loss? I know I am guilty. In fact right now, I need to go! There are dishes to be done and dinner to get on the table! Catch me later!

Fresh Grace

The Lord strengthens us that we may serve Him and his body. Not so that we can attain our own goals and feel better about our lives. I am seeing this more clearly in my own life. God is supplying strength to me to teach and train my girls, serve them and my sweet husband, and even have strength left to serve others within the local body. Friends, this is not me at work here-- This is the Lord! My friends call this "grace in the moment." Things that used to be such a struggle for me are starting to flow more easily as I ask God to re-shape my mind and motives. I hope this encourages you!! In fact in just the last few days since my "Laundry blog" I have seen a change of heart towards laundry! (Some of you must be praying for me!)

The loaves and the fishes were multiplied to feed the 5,000 when there was a real need, not just to let the disciples see some amazing display of Christ's power, or so they could bask in the fullness of their own well-fed stomachs, though this certainly happenend. Jesus was concerned for the peoples' needs. He showed his power sure enough, no doubt about it. But it was not merely a self-promoting display. And He is the only one worthy of self-promotion!!

I am only just grasping this idea of "grace in the moment." I often long and pray for things that I want...but I am praying with (underneath it all) self-serving motives. Even prayers for those I love and care about...if I am honest...I may be asking for things that will make me feel better (i.e. children who are more apt to obey, a job that my husband enjoys and has a better income). But God has been revealing the truth of His words "You do not have because you do not ask God. When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures. You adulterous people!" (James 4:2-4)

Oh, how many times have I prayed from a heart of selfish ambition? All the prayers for weight loss, more income, cleaner home, more obedient children--all from a heart that wants it's own way. Please forgive me Lord! Cleanse my heart and redirect me to pray in a godward, others-first mentality. I have sensed such grace from the Lord the last several months, weeks, and days, I must publicly thank and praise Him!

"To Him who is able to keep you from falling and to present you before his glorious presence without fault and with great joy--to the only God our Savior be glory, majesty, power, and authority, through Jesus Christ our Lord, before all ages, now and forever more! Amen." Jude 24

The Stain Lifter

I am lifting my vow of silence....OK, so there wasn't any vow in place, but I haven't blogged for a week now. Time to put laundry aside for ten minutes...so while the chicken is marinating...I'll write! (Trying a new recipe called "Tropical Chicken" tonight...I'll let you know how it goes!)

Laundry is my least favorite domestic chore. I can't seem to keep up with it. If it was just about the washing, well...but then there's the folding, carrying it up two flights of stairs just to cram it into some already overflowing drawer or closet. ( Too much stuff or Lack of space....that's another blog topic). Vaccuming...now there's a chore I love! Quick results, the room looks instantly better, yeah! Laundry, not so much. I am not a whiz at stain removal to begin with. I have started air drying alot of my girls' clothes (thanks for the inspiration April!) just to make sure I'm not inadvertently "setting" any stains my kids have left on their laundry. I get really frustrated when the stain doesn't want to lift. My thoughts turn to how much this item cost, how many years, months or days we have owned it, and what financial loss am I seeing. My mom claims Spray-N-Wash will clean anything. Not my experience. Others say Oxy clean. Again, not my experience. My current usage involves Zout, and a Banana-smelling product called Stains-r-out. Fairly successful there. But once those stains have been through the drier there just isn't much hope. But today as I was scrubbing away at some grass-stain, chocolate stain, tomato-based stain, and who-knows-what stain, it gripped me that Jesus has lifted my stain....completely. I never have to work at removing the dark blot on my life that I could never wash away on my own. What a thought! What a truth! I am clean forever because of Jesus. No more stain. He cleansed me of it.

So as I finished scrubbing and threw the clothes into the washer, I thanked God that I don't ever have to "do Laundry" on my heart's stain. God has washed me and I am whiter than snow. And I realized that although I stand cleansed before Him, I take up the task to try and lift my own stain many times. By trying to work harder, better, serve more...and condemn myself when I can't achieve this. This is idolatry...to think I can "rid myself of one dark blot." I am not a savior, I am not a stain-lifter. I am a sinner, saved by God's grace. Thanks be to God!

"May I never despise His death by fearing (doubting) its efficacy for my salvation."--from the Valley of Vision

I Once Was Lost....

I have to tell this funny story. But the application is important. I was leaving Ladies' Care group last night --Thanks Jill, for hosting! Dark night, country roads, I'd only been there once before (and Keith had driven!). Tammy told me to make a left at the stop sign and I'd come out at the Ephrata Wal-Mart, where I could pick up 222. WELL...She went right at the stop sign, I turned left, and she honked her horn 5 or 6 times. "Oh that crazy Tammy!" I thought. "What a party animal! Who else honks their horn that many times this time of night!" Well I drove and drove (about 4-5 miles) with a Speed Racer on my tail, when finally the car behind me beeped again and stopped...right on this dark country road. I was nervous. I stopped, put the window down and heard Tammy's voice calling out in the dark, "Wrong Stop Sign!...you're gonna end up in Five Points going this way!" Whew! We cracked up and found a place to turn around, and Tammy led me back to the right path.

At the moment that Tammy had me pull over to tell me about my wrong turn, I immediately thought of what God calls us to do...to tell people the truth about where they're headed, and lovingly lead them to the path toward Safety. Ironically, we had just discussed this at Care Group that night...fear of man...why we aren't more bold with the gospel, especially to those we are close to (family, friends, neigbors). Whether we see someone who needs the gospel for salvation or for exhortation about sin or for restoration, we may shy away from presenting it. What if Tammy had just let me drive on...knowing I had no idea where I was going. I had no cell phone, it was late, dark....who knows how long it would have been before I would have found my way home. She might have thought "Oh, I don't want to have to go after her. I just want to get home and go to bed. She'll find her way home eventually." Tammy, I'm so glad you didn't just let me go! Friends, lets hear what God would say to us in this. He has come after us...pursuing us to bring us to salvation. We ourselves cannot save anyone, but we can tell them the way to go. We can lovingly pursue people, telling them the truth about life and death, and pointing them to the Savior. I, for one, was affected by my experience last night, and am grateful both for a God who pursues me and a friend who pursued me...to turn me to the right path.

Mysterious Ways

"God moves in a mysterious way His wonders to perform; He plants his footsteps in the sea, And rides upon the storm. Ye fearful saints, fresh courage take; The clouds you so much dread, Are big with mercy and will break In blessings on your head. Judge not the Lord by feeble sense, But trust him for his grace; Behind a frowning providence He hides a smiling face. His purposes will ripen fast Unfolding every hour; The bud may have a bitter taste, But sweet will be the flower. Deep in unfathomable mines Of never-failing skill, He treasures up his bright designs And works his sovereign will. Blind unbelief is sure to err And scan his work in vain; God is his own interpreter, And he will make it plain."

These are the words of William Cowper, a man who was God's child, but still struggled with depression and despair throughout his life. One so convinced of God's sovereignty and goodness was schooled by his trials...resulting in words such as these, which affirm in the light what he might be tempted to forget in a dark moment. (You can read more about Cowper in chapter 12 of John Piper's When I Don't Desire God.) Interestingly enough, centuries later, we read them still and feel our hearts swell within us to hold on to hope, to believe that our God is at work, when all around us may be darkness and bitter circumstances. In fact, Jeremy Riddle, who happened to be at our church yesterday leading worship, records his own arrangement of these words. You can check out his song at http://www.jeremyriddle.net (It's number 10 on the songplayer...top right corner)

Why do I comment on this? Well, for those of you who may not know me well, I can lean toward melancholy much of the time. I have had many people tell me I am " intense." Over the years, I have been able to see God's goodness to me in this. By the grace of God, I am cultivating thankfulness. I am not without joy. But it is not a flippant joy. I don't excuse hopelessness in a believer's life. It is sinful. But so is putting our hope in false idols...fun get-aways, easy living, a healthy bank account, great relationships, etc. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'd rather be completely hopeless about what "life" has to offer, and have nothing on which to lean, which forces me to cry out to my Savior, than to be superficially happy and content with status quo. God knows the intricate way in which I was made and to wish I was one of those "happy-go-lucky" people would be questioning His potter's hand in my life. So instead, I see that this tendency in me causes me to be leaning on God just to get up and get moving some days. Maybe you can relate. I will (probably) never be a Pollyanna. And I am grateful. God is purposeful. My prayer is that I might be "sorrowful, yet always rejoicing" in the Lord. He is everything!

Perserverance

Still in the afterglow of Care group last night, I awoke to my quiet time with the Lord. And the words "perserverance, race" were circling in my mind. That is often how the Lord prompts me to search out His specific words to me for that day. Because of certain trials and decisions we are in the midst of right now, these words were so appropriate...I knew at once Hebrews 12 was where I needed to go this morning. And I was struck anew by the challenge to "lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God." Our race to you, Lord, may have some temptation to be ashamed, as you bring greater refining to us. You say "no one whose hope is in You will ever be put to shame." Humbled yes, shamed, no. None of us knows what You may deem necessary for us to endure. But we can "despise the shame" knowing You, our God, are the lifter of our heads and You turn even what Satan would intend to harm us with to become good and a useful means of grace for us. Yes, even our own sin, you will turn for good. We can know You have covered it--and despise the shame while still being humbled by it and accepting your discipline (vs. 5-11) and consequences for it. For the amazing news is that all ETERNAL consequences were already spent on Jesus! Amazing Love! Thank you for your truth, Lord. "It is for discipline that you have to endure--God is treating you as sons." Lord, please keep me close in Spirit to you as I go throughout this day. I never want to end my quiet time with you, but physically, I must get up and take care of my children and home. Help me to know your presence this day.

"My sin-soiled conscience, my private and public life, my neighbors, myself--all write dark things against me. I deny them not, frame no excuse, but confess, 'Father, I have sinned.' Yet still I live, and fly repenting to thy outstretched arms,
Thou wilt not cast me off, for Jesus brings me near,
Thou wilt not condemn me, for he died in my stead,
Thou wilt not mark my mountains of sin, for he levelled all,
And his beauty covers my deformities.
Oh my God, I bid farewell to sin by clinging to his cross,
hiding in his wounds, and sheltering in his side." from "Divine Mercies" The Valley of Vision

Beloved

Lots I would like to put into the blog...but it will be later. Running, running! Off to hear Anita Keagy and her "Joyshop" this morning at Petra Christian Fellowship. But I will be sharing some thoughts and impressions the Lord gave me as I studied in the book of Daniel yesterday. Know this, you are beloved of God!

(later same day) Anita's ministry was so valuable this morning! Her passion to encourage women to seek the Lord echoes my own heart. Her focus is to challenge women at every stage in life to seek the Lord daily through his word and in prayer. The only way we can be godly mothers and wives is through abiding in Christ. And we aren't abiding if we aren't spending time with Him. I know we've heard it all before. But the application is what is so crucial. Your husband and children can not have the Christian life knocked into them, they will watch you and learn. What are they learning? Is Jesus seen as top priority by the way you set your time with Him each day? You can check out her ministry at www.joyshop.org . I wish some of you could have come with me. I was even able to pick up The Valley of Vision book of Puritan Prayers and Devotions at her book table! Now there's a feast for the soul!

Oh, where to begin? Yesterday's reading from C.H. Spurgeon's Morning and Evening had the reader intrigued with the phrase "beloved of God" from Daniel. So after I finished the little devotional, I turned right away to Daniel to check out the story behind the reference. Turns out this is from Daniel 10, where Daniel has just had a time of fasting and mourning and receives a vision from God. A man clothed in linen with a belt of fine gold, with the appearance of lightning, eyes like flaming torches... (I believe this was the form of Christ rather than Gabriel, who we saw back in chapter 8) appears and says "O Daniel, man greatly loved, understand the words I speak to you, and stand upright, for now I have been sent to you." (David stands up, but is trembling) the man says "Fear not, Daniel, for from the first day that you set your heart to understand and humbled yourself before your God, your words have been heard, and I have come because of your words." (then the man goes on to give the prophetic vision to Daniel) I am speechless for a minute as I read this. To be told face to face that you are "greatly loved" by God's messenger, and then to be told that because you have humbled yourself and set yourself to understand God's ways, your words have been heard by Almighty God, and He is replying to you.....this is unfathomable! Yet, for those of us who come before the Lord just as Daniel did, with faith not in ourselves, but in His Son, in humility and recognition of our utter helplessness, God's favor is toward us! Oh Lord, may this be true of me. That I would humble myself before you all the days of my life and set my heart on understanding your precepts. How can it be that you call me "greatly loved?" Yet you do. I am overwhelmed. And you don't stop there, but you answer me! To think that my cries in prayer reach God's ears and that He listens and responds is too great to comprehend. I want this to dramatically change my prayer life! Well, I ended up reading most of the book of Daniel and reflecting on this man of humility and virtue. Standing for God when others persecuted him. And God spares him each time. Humbly seeking to honor God even when his life is on the line. What faith! Beloved, beloved....beloved. A Beautiful name God gives His children. If you are in Christ, know today that you are His Beloved!

Sunday Meeting

What an amazing day in church yesterday! Our worship time was so beautiful and exuberant I thought we might just move right from our seats into eternity! My husband and I have talked for years about the whys? and why nots? of corporate worship....why some Sundays seem absolutely full as God's people pour out their praise and desire for God and other times seem not as full. Our awareness of our own spiritual need for God is perhaps more keen than other days, which creates a deep well of longing for God to come and fill with Himself. But that almost seems like there's something WE can do to make worship more wonderful, and only God can do that. But, since the Holy Spirit is the one to move our hearts to see our great need of God, He really is the author of such wonders. There is a correlation between our soul's "panting" after God and the depth to which we may experience His presence. Well, anyway, I for one was in tears most of the first hour! God has been so good, so kind, and so generous to this sinner. So much I could say, but time to get School started!

On being corrected

It's day two and I haven't even told anyone about this blog! (Other than my husband) Guess I need to do that. When I realize the ramifications of letting people in on this formerly private practice (writing) it feels a little scary! And already I find myself thinking throughout the day, "hey, I should put THIS on the blog...or maybe this....no, this" Great. The last thing I want is to make this an idol.

None of us really delights in correction, evaluation, assessment....whatever you want to call it. Unless it is completely complementary, we have a shrinking feeling that wells up when someone comes to us with a word that is meant to help us grow. For some of us, correction may have not taken place in a constructive or loving way and we have grown up with a "bad taste in our mouth" for anything like this. But I know God wants me to grow in this area, being willing to hear helpful observations and seeing it as God's kindness to me. The person I so respect in the area of making kind and helpful observations is Tina, my Care Group Leader's wife. She is full of grace when speaking to others. Oh, that we all could remember to point out more positives than negatives when coming to someone! I know that, at least in our church body, which is, by the way, part of Sovereign Grace Ministries http://www.sovereigngraceministries.org/, we are taught to do this. So helpful. As a little illustration about how we dislike correction: two days ago, my oldest daughter came walking in the house crying, nearly beside herself trying to catch her breath between sobs to tell me that she had just be corrected by a lady police officer. She and her friend were playing with the wagon on the sidewalk and were turning it around...ending up partway into the street, when the police car pulled up behind them and they heard "Girls, you need to get back on the sidewalk, you can't be in the street." (No, I don't encourage my 8 year old to play in the street!) Our street is very quiet and most of the kids do ride in the street on bikes or scooters. But the correction was appropriate and Keaton was sooo upset. She was much more upset by the fact that it was a Police Officer and not just her mother telling her to get out of the street. This tells me something! After talking her through it all, I think she understood that this policewoman was being kind by trying to keep her safe and out of harm's way. I too, was thankful, and it was a teachable moment about safety.

But as I look at my life and how I handle correction, I see the 34-year-old version. I may become hurt (i.e. angry) that someone sees less than perfection in me. Why? Because I want to be perfect at all times, and I want everyone else to believe this about me. Why? Because I want to be exalted. Why? Because I want to be self-sufficient and complete. But I am not these things. I am broken. I am in need of God's work. Only God is perfect, self-sufficient, and complete in Himself. And others bringing this more into focus is a helpful thing. Now, this isn't an open invitation for everyone to come at once and bring some evaluation to me today!
But I am asking that the Lord would soften my heart to see this as a much needed and gracious thing.

Here is a helpful quote from Milton Vincent: "Pride always precedes every sinful stumbling in my life. Therefore, if I am to experience deliverance from sin, then I must be delivered from the pride that produces it. Thankfully, the gospel is engineered to accomplish this deliverance. Nothing suffocates my pride more than daily reminders regarding the glory of my God, the gravity of my sins, and the crucifixion of God's own Son in my place. Pride wilts in the atmosphere of the gospel."-- from A Gospel Primer

I don't know what will come of this endeavor, but if nothing else, I will get to write "out loud." For many years now I have kept journals...my responses to God "sweetly breaking" me. When I started reading some friends' blogs, I thought, "this is great!...too bad I don't have time to do one of my own..maybe someday. (Sigh)" And then the question, "why not now?" just seemed to keep haunting me. If there's one thing I am learning, it's that time never slows down for me to accomplish the things most important to me. I have to "seize the day" and "redeem the time" if acts worthy of remembering are going to happen. So today is the day. No more putting off this endeavor to share what God has done/is doing in my life. Truth be told, no one really "has the time" to blog, we have to create the time out of our cramped schedules. For me and many other parents, homeschooling is about the last thing I (we) may have time for, as we watch many other opportunities pass us by, but, because it is important enough to us, we make the time. Our lives consist greatly of the choices we make... momentarily as well as across the span of our days, weeks, and years. And those things worthy of investment will rise to the surface in our acting on them. So now this endeavor, that of "blogging" (who came up with that word anyway?) is rising to the surface of my life. I pray it will be a blessing.